Henry David Thoreau wrote, “the mass of men lives in quiet desperation.” He might have written the mass of women living in quiet desperation too. You are in a relationship where you feel alone and long for validation and understanding from the person you chose to share your life with, and days go by, and the desire for something more grows inside you, but they seem out of reach from you, and you are out of touch with yourself. Something inside you feels less than alive and longs for vitality and energy. You want the magic connection that was once between to reappear, and you know it takes both of you to make the connection.

Making the reconnection

            Quiet desperation saps your energy, leaves you frustrated, and can make you feel like surrendering. “What’s the point?” you ask yourself. The point is you want more for yourself and your relationship, and there was something between you that brought you this far in your relationship. There was an energy, a spark that lit a fire between you, and it is possible fuel for your relationship remains. You know how you feel, and you sense how your partner feels. You’re both stuck in an uneasy back, and forth both wanting something better and not knowing how to get it. You’re not sure where or how to start to raise how you feel about things or how to ask for what you need. Not because you blame them for how you feel but because you want them to know they are the person you want to connect with deeply and intimately, and you’re worried raising these things could lead to a final defeat and final surrender.

Learning new skills

            You don’t have to allow quiet desperation to determine the course of your relationship, and you don’t have to concede defeat. You can learn how you got to where you are, what you can do to get unstuck, and how to move forward. It’s not easy, but there are ways to move forward. You can listen to podcasts like Where Should We Begin by Esther Perel and hear how couples navigate their difficulties, or you might try a book like the Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman. You can work with a therapist to develop a growth mindset, improve relationship and communication skills and construct a relationship game plan you have the knowledge, skills, and capabilities to implement. Finally, you can try couples therapy to work together to repair connection, co-develop your skills, and relieve yourself of the quiet desperation you felt before you acted.

            Quiet desperation is a signal to do something different in your relationship. Give yourself a chance to move from frustration to hope. Then, try one of the strategies above and get unstuck.