Men Often Outsource Feelings

UK marital therapist Andrew G. Marshall says men outsource their feelings to women when they feel their needs are unmet in a marriage. For example, they might outsource to a co-worker, to the wife of a friend, or to a friend of their wife. This behavior can be an early indicator of straying from the relationship and unfaithful behavior. Why would a husband outsource his emotions to another woman? First, they want to feel attractive, worthy of attention, and connected. They often feel they have reached the end of their abilities and skills in their current relationship and think a fresh start is better, or easier, than trying to reconnect with their wife or partner. There is a solution to this! There is a way to help men communicate more clearly, and connect with their partner, and avoid feeling the need to outsource at all.

Your husband needs male friends

            Your husband or partner might not have a clear image of how to communicate and connect with you because they don’t have a role model or a vision for what this looks like, from a men’s experience to sustaining positive relationships with their spouse or partner. Many men learn emotional relationship skills from their mothers, girlfriends, and wives. This is a small group of models that come with their relationship complexities. Ask yourself the following questions:

How much do I know about how my husband or partner learned their relationship skills and capabilities?

Do I want my husband or partner to develop his emotional and relationship skills with a woman outside our relationship?

If the answer to these questions is “Not much” and “No!” read on.

You might know this; men have fewer friends nowadays than ever. Men need men to calibrate against, relate to, and check assumptions. They need friends for insight and feedback. They need a mix of generational perspectives to observe the long view of relationships. Men with less or no friends have no comparison to evaluate against, and they have limited viewpoints and perspectives to learn from and recognize. Men validate each other and offer ideas and strategies they are often more willing to hear than if they came from their wives and partners. It’s common to hear a male friend say to their male friend, “Try (fill in the blank). It worked for me,” or “I messed up and she was (fill in the blank), and I learned she needed (fill in the blank), so that’s what I do now because I want to make her feel good when we’re together.” 

Mind the skills gap

            Men are often not equipped for relationships in the same way women are. Men can learn new skills and progress to repair old connections and make new ones with their wives. Encourage your husband or partner to try out conversations and new skills and ways of doing things with his male friends.

Take stock of your husband’s friends.

Does your husband have friends he can turn to for help?

Who does he like to hang out with?

How do his friends support him?

What do he and his friends like to do?

Does he have one or two friends who offer emotional support?

Are his friends open-minded to talking about relationships?

Is his circle of friends available and trustworthy?

Are his friends the kind of men your husband can be seen with anywhere?

Are his friends in loyal relationships, or were they unfaithful or cheaters? 

            If you find your husband or partner has friends who can help him and support him, consider gifting him opportunities for them to connect with them more in 2023. Encourage him to speak with his friends about how they solve problems with their wives and partners and ask him to report back to you. Reinforce your husband or partner’s friendships. Team up with him and his friends to make your relationship better in 2023.