A flower dies when it is not watered. A relationship withers without affirmation, praise, and recognition. When a partner reduces positive emotional deposits into his partner, and she does the same, their emotional bank balance is lowered suddenly and then overdrawn immediately. Likewise, couples experience emotional overdrafts when contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and disgust are aimed at each other regularly. Hurtful and wounding words are like bullets destroying relationship connection. Emotional hurt builds a dam holding back emotion like water held back until the barrier is breached, and then negative emotion flows in words and deeds.
Relationship bankruptcy occurs in a relationship when partners have invested their positivity and their negativity, and they reach the point where the relationship, like a business, ends when there are no other assets to give. The energy for a journey to a relationship comes from harsh start-ups, invalidation, disrespect, and rejecting the view of your partner, making them feel less, unimportant, or worthless. The destination of this journey is often a relationship for sale sign going up. However, this does not have to be your relationship's future in 2023.
Your relationship can have a healthy emotional balance in 2023. Work from the Gottman Love Lab found a 'magic 5:1 ratio' in couples' communication. This means that five positive statements and actions throughout a day versus one negative statement or deed undermines relationship toxicity. The research found that couples can love each other, deepen their connection, enjoy intimacy, and fight when they make small, frequent, sincere, and genuine positive deposits to their partner. When partners show curiosity and attend to the life and experience of their partner, it means they are focused on them. Showing you appreciate your partner; you believe in their strengths, and they matter. Doing this daily in small ways can sound like, "thank you for doing the laundry; I was worried I would not have time to do that," or "I'm glad I'm with you. Nobody else would get my response like you did", "You've been working hard, I know you're tired, and you made an extra effort to get to Billy's game." Validation, thankfulness, gratitude, and recognition of effort are like rainwater feeding a rose bed.
Would you rather win and compete with your partner? Hence, one of you wins and experiences superiority or loses and feels inferior, or would you prefer a positive collaborative relationship where both of you share positive investment? If you like positive collaboration, read on.
You can test your belief in yourself to be a positive partner when your partner raises something to you that is challenging to talk about. Then, you decide not to find disagreement and respond quickly. Instead, you listen carefully and validate your partner's experience. You ask open questions to learn more about how they see things, and you take their side first before coming from your side. Then, when you think you have all you need to know from your partner's side possibly, ask the same of them. This process is a friendship-based cooperative conversation based on understanding, acceptance, and care for your partner's experience.
Don't wait for 2023. Instead, begin today, invest in your partner, and ask them to do the same for you. If you and your partner are stuck getting started, contact Kelsey Ruffing Counseling and ask about Gottman-style counseling for couples.
Authored by: Dr. John Coumbe-Lilley, PhD, LPC, ALMFT
