I recently wondered about the lengths husbands go to satisfy their father-in-law and how it showed up in discernment counseling. I work with husbands, thinking about the three paths of discernment counseling. Path one maintaining the status quo in their marriage because of the investment they made into it and not wanting to risk losing out on possibilities the relationship might have if it was repaired. Path Two separates from their wife because the pain, tumult, and difficulty of being in the marriage are too much to bear, and they cannot see a way forward. And the third path means working hard, like preseason football camp on their marriage with their wife to improve it.

Movies like Meet the Fockers, Wedding Crashers, The Princes Bride, and My Big Fat Greek Wedding gave me pictures to learn from, poke fun at, and enjoy the awkwardness of budding relationships between father-in-law and son-in-law. As much as I enjoyed those movies, nothing is as real as a husband expressing their raw experience of being treated less than others, feeling worthless, like an outsider in their wife’s family with their nose pushed up against the window pane.

Imagine a son-in-law named Tony, 26 years old, building his sales career and getting married for the first time to Diana, daughter of Alex. Tony and Diana dated for three years. They intended to move into their new 3-bedroom, two-bathroom home from a single-bedroom and bathroom apartment after they married. Tony intended to set out positively at the beginning of his marriage journey. In the weeks before the wedding, Alex told him, “I don’t know what she sees in you,” or “Don’t hurt her, or I’ll hurt you,” and “You’ll always be number two”. Tony told Diana what was said, and she told him not to worry about her dad’s behavior because he was like that with all her boyfriends.

Within three years of marrying, Tony and Diana had two children. They both worked to support their family, but tension flared up, especially when Tony got promoted, received a significant salary increase, and higher expectations from his boss and time at work increased. Things between him and Diana grew tense and unhappy. Over the most recent summer, he discovered through a series of interactions with Alex that he felt like he was being interrogated and accused. He was told tensions in his marriage were his responsibility to end. Alex made it clear that everything that happened between Tony and Diana was up to him to settle, including how he parented, acted with his friends, made purchasing decisions for the home, and dealt with ups and downs with his wife. Only Diana could have told Alex what was going on in her marriage. Tony learned nothing in his marriage between him and Diana was private, and he felt like Alex gloated and held it over him that Diana trusted him to tell him everything about Tony.

Tony felt icy distance, contempt, and criticism from his wife being echoed by his father-in-law. Tony discovered Diana communicated with an old school friend and met him for coffee on days she told Tony she was with their kids. He noticed receipts in the trash from restaurants he and Diana had not visited. He confronted Diana about her spending and wanted to get to the bottom of things. Diana told him she went on dates with Tony’s friend, but they came to nothing, and she stopped. Tony was upset and confused by Diana’s behavior.

At the next family gathering, Tony was making small talk with Alex when Alex told him to get over himself with Diana’s conduct and get on with things. That was the last straw for Tony. Things had been building for a while, and Tony reached his limit handling the triangle between him, Diana, and Alex. Tony concluded he did not know if staying in the marriage was best for his self-respect and self-worth. Tony did not know Alex and Diana came as a package deal when he married. He was unsure what path to take with Diana because there would be consequences and tradeoffs whatever pathway he decided on.

Alex and Diana had a relationship long before Tony joined them. It is possible Alex could have found something unacceptable about any man Diana married. Tony and Diana have been dating and married for six years, and it is worth several hours of couples counseling to understand where things are between them and identify the issues before taking on any path because the couple might have a mixed agenda where one is leaning out and the other leaning in. But if Tony feels like he experienced a critical incident he cannot get past, and he fears no helpful change is going to occur, then exploring the three pathways with Diana is a way forward to providing clarity and confidence to both and surfacing an important issue Tony believes could divide them.

Key Point: Being a son-in-law can be tough, especially when tension and anxiety are between the father-in-law and them. The relationship can be confusing, and it can feel toxic, encouraging thoughts of separation from the wife. Discernment counseling can help clarify the path forward so that a son-in-law is empowered to choose the direction and consider the consequences of their decision.

Good news! A difficult son-in-law and father-in-law marriage does not have to be the issue that ends the marriage.

If you need help making decisions for your marriage, contact john@kelseyruffingcounseling.com to schedule a counseling session.