The following blog post was written personally by the athlete. This is their story in their own words. This blog series is meant to spread awareness of the possible hardships athletes face, break the stigma of mental health in sport, and advocate for better access to mental health services for athletes.
Now a days, who hasn’t torn their ACL? Well, I am one of those people who was lucky enough to tear my ACL 3 times. The first time was the worst and I had just turned 16. At the time, I didn’t even know what an ACL was, but I soon found out that it meant I needed surgery to repair it.
It was a Monday and my high school soccer team was playing away. It was the second half of the game and the opponent was running down the field, I went to slow her down, during that process, I stepped into a divot in the ground and the opponent stepped on my foot. I won the ball and I went to run, but my leg did come with me. I screamed at the top my lungs. My kneecap was sitting on the outside of my leg, not where it was supposed to be.
My mom came running onto the field with the athletic trainer who put my kneecap back in place. The two of them put me in the car and my mom took me right to the ER. I was in so much pain, I couldn’t bend or straighten my leg, it was extremely swollen.
The following day, I went to the orthopedic doctor to have my MRI read. When the doctor introduced himself, the first thing I said was “I need to be back on Thursday, we have a big game”. All he could do was chuckle. Then, he showed me my MRI and explained how I tore my entire ACL. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe I would be out for 6-9 months. I could not stop crying. We scheduled my surgery and left.
I couldn’t stop playing or being involved with soccer. I still went to the games and practices. I even kept juggling to help my soccer touch, which was the absolute worst idea I ever had. The day before surgery, I was juggling just like I did at all the other practices. I reached my highest number and I decided to shoot the ball and I went down. I tried not to cry, but I felt so stupid and I caused myself more pain. My mom tried to consul me and tell me everything will work out.
Surgery day was now here and I was terrified. The doctor came out to check in with me and he saw how swollen my leg was and he asked me what I did. I immediately started crying.
I finally calmed down and then the anesthesiologist came over to talk to me about the procedure. She told me since I am an asthmatic, that if I had an attack while under anesthesia, it would be hard to help me and that I would have a 90% chance of death. She highly recommended that I got an epidural instead. Needless to say, I was no longer calm. I was crying and telling my mom to take me home and that I would never play soccer again, I just wanted to live. My mom, luckily is a nurse and explained to me that I would be fine and brought me over a new anesthesiologist.
My surgery was supposed to be 2 hours long, mine ended up being over 8 hours because I did so much more damage the day before surgery. The doctor explained to my mom that he should never have operated due to how much fluid I had in my knee. I ended up tearing my ACL, MCL, and two parts of my meniscus.
I woke up from surgery hitting my leg, I was scared that it was going to be gone. That was just the beginning my recovery. Recovery was the longest road and honestly the road hasn’t ended yet and it never will.
It took me 9 months to play in my first soccer game. I was going to rehab 3-4 days week. The first couple months of therapy were miserable. My muscles in my left leg were fading away. I couldn’t bend my knee a certain amount of degrees at one point, because I built up so much scar tissue, the doctor actually wanted to do another surgery to remove it. I said absolutely not, I will do whatever I have to do to break up the scar tissue. I had to force my leg to bend. There were lots of tears. Every time I would get a certain spot, I would hear cracking, which was the scar tissue breaking up. He gave my one week to break it up, and I did it!
Rehab did get easier once I had decent rotation in my leg, it also helped that my friend who I played club soccer with was also going through an ACL injury too. We would plan our therapy sessions together. It definitely motivated me more and made it a more positive experience.
While I was recovering, life was still going on. I had to wear this awful black knee brace that covered my entire leg. I had to wear it to school, to bed, around the house, basically everywhere. I wore it to a father-daughter dance, sweet 16 parties, and school events. I did not let this injury keep me at home. I still hung out with my friends and went to school functions. It was exhausting, but I wasn’t going to be held back.
I did not know how strong I was until I went through this recovery process. Especially not knowing it would happen again.
The second time I tore my ACL, I wasn’t sure if it was actually torn. The doctor couldn’t be sure either because my MRI was blurry. So, I kept playing. I believe I hurt it during the spring season of my junior lacrosse year, but I didn’t want to miss my senior soccer season, so I just kept taping my kneecap in place then put my brace on and went about my business.
I finally had my second surgery after soccer season, in November. I was a professional now when it came to recovery. I knew what I had to do and I did it. I pushed and pushed. This time around I was back playing in 4 months. Nothing was stopping me. I was getting looks from colleges to play soccer and even lacrosse which I didn’t think was possible. Either way, I went onto college and I played both soccer and lacrosse at a D3 college. I had a great experience. I played in the NCAA Tournament, voted in as team captain, and even made the all-conference team.
The third time is a charm! I couldn’t give up sports, so I coach and I love it. Well, one night I got hit in the back of my leg with a soccer ball and it made my knee buckle. Made an appointment to get my knee checked out and I found out that I haven’t had an ACL for years. My third knee surgery was to clean out my knee, remove what was left of my meniscus and see if it was stable without an ACL and it is.
I am now living with no ACL and doing awesome. I am still coaching and living my life. I go to the gym daily to help keep my knee stable. I cannot gain weight or I will need a knee replacement sooner than later.
Each surgery got easier to deal with because I knew I could do it. I still have constant pain, but I don’t let it hold me back. I knew I if I had a negative attitude towards these recoveries, it would only take longer. I know I will eventually need a whole knee replacement, but honestly, I wouldn’t have changed what I did. I truly think going through these injuries made me a stronger person. Perseverance was my only option. I do not know what my life would have been like if I decided to give up sports nor do I really want to know.
-Amanda M. Kirby
Amanda is a high school teacher, high school soccer coach, and premier soccer coach.
**If you missed our first featured athlete, Maggie, click here & you can read Maggie’s personal story about her experience with mental health and athletics as a D1 student-athlete from Brown University.